I've been Shorn!/Being Brad Pitt

I’ve always appreciated the power of a semi-drastic haircut. The wind on your exposed bulbish head, the funny things it does in the morning, the reduced amount of shampoo needed. I would say my hair is my second most defining physical feature. It means a lot to me and it’s been short ever since my sophomore year when I got my first pixie cut.

It had been getting quite bob-ish in the last couple of months and it was getting dreadfully… normal. So I took a picture of my favorite actress- Shannyn Sossamon- to Sabrina at the Saturn Club (shameless plug) and told her to have a ball. My only stipulation is that there exist no straight hard lines.

So I go home and really examine what has happened on my head.

And it looks like Brad Pitt circa 1998. Remember ‘Meet Joe Black’ with Anthony Hopkins? Mediocre, but Brad Pitt’s kinda sexy, I suppose. I've been told that I can pull off short hair (not like I have much of a choice at the moment) Clay tells me it’s nicely androgynous. Androgyny is kinda sexy too, but then why don’t I feel sexy? Maybe because this morning when I woke up and walked to the shower I caught a blurry-eyed view of another chisel-jawed hunk: Val Kilmer from “Top Gun.” Yeah, remember the Iceman who taunts Tom Cruise in the locker room?? That guy with the flattop. *sigh*

In the last 14ish hours these are the thoughts that have tinkered in this shorn head of mine:

• I hope I don’t bump into Shannyn Sossamon any time soon. She’d be totally freaked out. Brad Pitt too. And Val.

• My god. No straight, self-respecting man will ever find me attractive. Sadie Hawkins Day is coming up and it’s not like I much intended on asking someone out but if I did, it would be greeting with a firm ‘Uhh. Thanks. No.’ Totally blew my chances on this one.

• I should go to Woody’s tonight.

• Iceman: You two really are cowboys.

Maverick: What's your problem, Kazanski?

Iceman: You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous.

Maverick: That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous.

• Damn, Thanksgiving and Christmas are on their way. And so is trigger-happy Grandma with her camera.

So what is a girl to do? I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to be damn sexiest Brad Pitt-with-tits ever. Tyler Durden style, yo. I’m gunna be so hot that I’m going to melt you like sulfuric acid... or something like that.

But please, no autographs.

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