Introducing Ben, an unattractive, chummy, cocky grad law student who sat at my table at the Student Leadership Summit on Sexual Violence. He told me all about his dissertation on domestic violence issues and police reports and asked me if he could bounce some ideas off me, being that I felt passionate about these issues. I thought ‘oh, that’s interesting.’ He first suggested cocktails at a pricey martini bar to which I replied “nah. My boyfriend wouldn’t like that. I’m incredibly not interested.”
He wrote me back and convinced me what a harmless vagina he was since he was in the only campus feminist club and he sent me a short story so I figured this guy was really asexual and lunch on campus would be alright. I’m always down for helping someone with their studies or whatever because I’m a nice person and all.
So fast forward to this afternoon. He shows up wearing this asinine rust colored turtleneck (uhm, it’s April, dude). It went really nice with his dark-ringed eyes and his grease slicked hair. Very lawyer-ish. In his thanks-for-lunch email, he said that some chick at the flower shop complimented him on it and that he suspected she had ulterior motives, but really I think she had a good case of sarcasm.
During this entire hour-long lunch I felt like that witchy-faced beast, Carrie, from Sex and the City. What a fucking disaster. I was desperately trying to remember everything he said because it was absolutely ridiculous. It was a near impossible task, however, because he didn’t shut the fuck up. Oh, look Manolo Blahnik!
Oh, please, Ben, tell me about when you were a junior associate at a proxy-acquisition firm!
Tell me more about your evidence class! Can you give me the exact definition of an exclamatory utterance? How about a couple trite examples?: Golly! That car was going fast!
And when he wasn’t filling my head with useless law jargon, he was telling me about his “foxy” Serbian-Croatian ex-girlfriend:
“She must have had that female sixth sense because whenever I got involved with a new woman, she would magically appear in my life. And she called me one night and when I got there I thought *leans in* heh, I think this is a, heh, bootycall”
He said ‘bootycall’ and I vomited a little in my mouth. He told me about the gorgeous chick he met on the slopes during his law retreat. And some chick that he went out to dinner with that didn’t seem to be interested in him… oh, she didn’t have a good time dining with you? Weird cause I’m having a blast.
He was incredibly rude to our waiter and immediately ordered his gnocchi he’s been talking about all week. He didn’t even tip him, which was way shady.
Aaaand cue awkward rust-sweater goodbye hug.
Hey, do it again sometime?… eh, no.