Grandma Voicemail

gooThis is an actual message left today by my grandmother at 2:37pm. I’m pretty sure she’s on drugs.

Heyaaaa kiddo!
I see you called me the other day and we weren’t home. You didn’t leave a message. I saw your number on the caller …ID. How you doing? Gooood. We’re ok too. Hahah


I’m cooking clams now. The guy across the street gave me five dozen clams. Sixty clams. Now I gotta figure out what to do with all these clams. It’s too bad you’re not here to help me. I think I’m gunna-steam’em. I’m just jibber jabbering.

[background: Joanie! Where’s Jake’s leash?!]

Oooh my.

I’m reading that book you’re reading now, the president one. We can read it together. So much dirty sexy though. Slut, she is [note the Yoda-like syntax] tramping around with that boy’s brother.

[something metal drops]

I love you hunny, take care! Call me!

No comments: