Fashionably-speaking, fall has to be one of my favorite seasons. Though for some females, it is a time of confusion, resistance, and desperation. The not-so-elusive loose-dressing female is forced from the comforts of bikini and short short, and into something a little less revealing. Travesty.
The cold season boon for these females has been the unfortunate rise of the Ugg. Some words sound like the thing they describe- not quite like onomatopoeia- but say ‘clap’ aloud. Sounds like a clap, right? Now say ‘ugg’- it is a befitting name for the Neanderthal of footwear.
Oh, but they’re soooo warm, they tell me. So comfy, I am told. I want nothing more than to clothe the skimpily clad, and I’m all for warm when it’s cold, but it is the manner in which this primitive footwear is deployed that makes me shake my head. Here I would like to take a moment to communicate the appropriate and inappropriate utilization of the Ugg boot.
NO: The Slutty Snow Bunny
Jean skirts are an anomaly in themselves, but paired with Uggs, you get a slut-tastic outfit. The whole argument of oh so warm goes right out the window. Like other comfy articles of clothing- granny panties, thick high socks, sports bras- they should be hidden from public viewing. So why would you put your painfully hideous boots on display? This trend is not mitigated by the use of leggings (which should never, ever be used as a sole replacement for pants).
NO: The Viking
Sweatpants are for indoor use, or during fat-days exclusively. Some may argue with me, but I wholeheartedly believe that taking an extra minute to put on real pants and to brush your hair will project the message “I prefer not to look like a slob.” That said, pairing sweatpants (and god forbid, a sweatshirt too) with Uggs, screams “I want to look like a tank, even if I weigh 80 pounds.” This is the white flag surrender of self-appearance. You are not even trying.
Back to the not-so-elusive loose-female. Somehow this combination, usually with a stylish top and a full face of makeup, is an assuming next step from the simple skimpiness of summer. I’m not sure of the logic either, but I know you know what I’m talking about.
DOUBLE NO: The Gaucho
“The Viking” trend takes a far dip south when said sweatpants are hiked up to the knee leaving about six inches of exposed leg. This is a what-the-fuck on so many levels, and I refuse to address why this makes you look like a time-traveling hobo.
OK: The Completely Sensible Answer to Cold
Wearing warm shoes on snowy days is not an option; it is necessity. If they can be high, waterproof and faux-fur lined, the better. Paired with jeans, Uggs can be one of the greatest contributions to modern comfortable footwear, but the heinous misuse of these boots make even the most sensible women feel like an asshole. Thanks.
Just slipping my foot into an Ugg propels me to stuff my bra, apply liberal amounts of lip gloss and practice promiscuity.
OK: The Mugg
Uggs for men are so much more acceptable because they are a physical manifestation of those who sport them: a simple, function-driven solution to cold feet. Men would never wear Uggs with shorts, and if they do, it’d be okay because it means he’s probably on his way to take out the trash.
Author’s Note: Not all women who wear Uggs are sluts (but there’s probably a good chance).