Things Not to Say to a Naked Woman

Men’s Health magazine published a list of “The 30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman.” Advice for men, from men, about women is awesomely hilarious. And while a woman (say myself) could easily publish a similar-minded list of things I actually want to hear while in the buff, it’s too priceless to watch men fumble looking for the right buttons like it’s some kind of Narnia.

I’m sorry, Fine Writers of Men’s Health magazine, I have to put the kibosh on the following:

#10. “I’ll get the light.”

What have most men learned from men’s magazines? Don’t say anything that can be misconstrued because it will. You’ll turn out the light? Why? Because you don’t want to see me naked? Why not?? Am I not beautiful?! Am I FAT?? DO YOU NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE?! etc.

#8 "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."

If she’s naked, and she’s hungry, you probably just got lucky. And if you think there might be a round two in the anywhere near future, may I recommend NOT the burrito? I personally prefer ice cream, or if you really want to impress me- grilled cheese. And, babe, turn on VH1 when you get up? Thanks.

#15 Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips.


While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers."

…because we’re like 14 in this scenario.

17 While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see?"

Grilled cheese and Real Chance of Love re-runs. chop chop.

#22 "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing."

Uh yeah, sure, dude.

The rest of the items on the list range from holy hell hot (“I love the way you taste”) to sweet (“Is it okay with you if I take this slow?”) to the yeah-that’ll-never-happen (“You sleep. I’ll go check on the baby.”)

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