2/16/2009

How-To: Valentine's Day

How to have a not-sucky Valentine’s Day:

Prerequisite: Have a valentine. Generally people who don’t have a valentine on Valentine’s Day are bitter.

Step 1: Make your valentine a valentine. And write something witty and meaningful on it. This is what I wrote on mine:

Now daddy comin' home
And I'm lookin' for a little bit of action
I be comin' through wanna do that thang
Let me bless you with thug passion

Step 2: Cover your valentine’s door in those little word candy hearts, but don’t forget to eat all the ones that say stuff about love and getting married.

Step 3: Get sexy. Wear a dress that other bitches will hate you for. Wear minimal underwear. Repaint your nails. Spend an extra minute on your eye makeup.

Step 4: Go to Red Lobster for dinner. You may be surprised at this one, but there are several reasons why this is a good idea:

a.You’ll generally look better than 90% of the other chicks there
b.
You can watch the dunk contest on ESPN while you sip the house red (which is, like, $4/glass)
c.
Biscuits

Step 5: Have another glass (or three) of wine when you get home while watching Talk Soup. Joel Hale is hilarious, but do not be intimidated by all the big-breasted skanks of VH1/MTV reality television.

Step 6: get some.

Step 7: Retire early, and make sure you snag your favorite pillows. This is the only day of the year where you are allowed to take all the good pillows for yourself without your valentine complaining.

Step 8: Supposedly talk about how you “want to go see the dinosaurs in 3-D” in your sleep.

Step 9: Make eggs over easy with the leftover Red Lobster biscuits that you stole the night before. Daddy told you to bring the big bag, and now you know why. [Oven at 350 for 5-8 minutes]

NOTE: Only call your valentine ‘Daddy’ if you’re not really serious and because it’s funny in an Alabama kind of way.

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