Thank God for Darwin

Today Darwin celebrates his 200th birthday. I was absolutely horrified to read today that about half of Americans believe that humans were created by God in their present form. (Does this correspond to the approximately 45% of Americans that voted McCain?)

I was thinking today about survival of the fittest. And although I would totally buy my man, Chuck Darwin, a beer, I have a bit of a qualm. I don't think "survival of the fittest" is accurate. It should be something more like “survival of the most willing to spread their legs.” Let’s face it, those willing to spread their legs are spreading their seed, and you know who’s not spreading? Apparently people like me.

That doesn’t mean that I’m not ya know-ing (Valentine’s Day is also right around the bend), but my Grandmother made a point a couple years ago to formally request that I have children—for society. Half of her reasoning was because “the Blacks” and “the Hispa…latinos or whatever” are populating a lot faster than white people. (please forgive her non-PC-ness. She's old) The other half of her reason was that typically the more successful a person is, the less likely they are to have children, or to postpone having children until their lazy dusty eggs are defunct and they’re forced to an Angelina-Jolie-esque adoption spree.

I took this as a compliment and foresight of my incredible future success. (thanks, Grandmama!)

Or if not “survival of the most willing to spread their legs,” then definitely at least “survival of the prettiest.” Being completely realistic, which of the following classic stereotypes is more likely to get their swerve on: the frumpy, super-smart girl or the is-chicken-of-the-sea-chicken? hot idiot.

Idiot, exactly. And this isn’t just limited to humans. The often plainly colored females (birds, fish, bugs) look for the most brightly colored males to sperm her eggs. Is he smarter? Who knows, who cares, he’ll make cute babies. And how often have I heard this in real life?

You’d be surprised. As a woman, I have heard my fellow birthers express this exact sentiment. I mean, why would I water down my hot genes with a stupid law degree?? I don’t want your ugly nerd baby.


We can’t force the sterilization of idiots because that would be unethical, and we’d lose a lot of biodiversity. Though on the bright side, Darwin has explained why as a society we’ve gotten increasingly sexier. And this is true if you happen to get your hands on a yearbook from as early as 1950.

So thank you, Darwin, for explaining why we’ve gotten sexier and inspiring those Jesus-fish-with-legs magnets for our cars. They’re a cute rebuttal against people who are actually reproducing, a lot.


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